Special Guest Short Fiction: "The True Story of Baldo & Snorb" by Robert Mason
[After a little over 400 posts today I have my first guest writer. As you may know, fiction isn't my strength, but my guest writer is quite adept at it. Bob Mason is a friend of mine and occasional writer. We both belong to the same social club. I don't know about now, but in the past he has worked as a mason. I have pretty much transcribed his story as is, with as few edits as possible. And now, "Baldo & Snorb".]
I woke from an excruciating nightmare last night. All I remember is screaming in pain, and then turning on the light I look to the end of my bed to see a horrible sight... A small plump woman with huge sharp canine fangs protruding from her blood spattered mouth. She looked as though dumbfounded at my sudden awakening! She was licking her chops when I looked from her face to where my feet were sticking out from my sheets... I SCREAMED louder than before, "She ate my big toe!!!" There at the foot of my bed, my right foot pulpy and reddened with blood, with my Big Toe Missing.
She suddenly licked the blood from her mouth and jumped from my bed to the ceiling fan, grabbed the blade, and with her orange and purple polka-dot muumuu flapping, she swung towards the exit. She let go of the blade and with her muumuu acting as an umbrella, she sailed gracefully to the door of my apartment; landing on the latch with her chubby little foot opening the door, then running full speed into the hallway. I threw the sheet from me as I quickly and carefully got out of bed. I hopped over to my drawer and put on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. Then I hopped in my truck and drove with my left foot to the hospital at 3 a.m.
I told them [doctors, etc.] about my nightmare and how I had seen the horrid dwarf chewing down my big toe. They did not believe a word of it. They operated on my big toe and bandaged me up, gave me some pills, and told me to stay off my foot for a month. The nurse asked me if I wanted to speak to a psychiatrist and I staunchly refused! I hobbled out of there on crutches. The I got into my truck and drove home. As I round the corner to the street where my apartment complex is I notice all sorts of people in a line leading toward my parking lot. There were firemen and policemen, judges and lawyers, doctors, construction workers, office personnel, agents, truck drivers, children and their moms; you name it they were there. I slowly drive past them in awe, wondering what they're all waiting for, and in the distance I see a sign that read "Baldo & Snorbs" in big yellow letters.
I park my truck and walk over to the sign and I see this happy crowd gulping down plastic cups full of lemonade. I am right near the front of the line, and I notice a small lemonade stand; and beneath the sign I see two people. One of them was a pudgy looking bald man with a peculiar aperture sticking out of his head who was wearing nothing but a red cape wrapped around his body so as to present a modest appearance. And, right next to him I immediately caught the unmistakable eyes of the little beast who ate my big toe... her name must be Snorb!!
I am mortified when I see her, but am also curious to find out why she ate my toe. So I try to regain my composure and approach her. "Uhm, excuse me Snorb". She immediately looks up to me and starts spewing a garbled and unheard of language composed of squeaks, ploobs, and jabberwocky. She then fixedly stares at the ground and nudges Baldo; they proceed to converse in this same incomprehensible speech. She then begins to pour more lemonade. The pudgy guy then looks to me and says," Yes sir, Snorb apologizes to you for last night's intrusion." I am taken aback by this weird couple... they are making lots of money selling lemonade, for one; and two, they speak and gesture in fits and starts! The little guy with the aperture on his head then says, " Sir, Snorb tells me for you to adorn your other big toe with pepper rings to prevent her from eating it." I replied, " Oh, what is this, some supernatural deterrent?" Baldo responds, "Why no, Sir, this is the only way you can save your other big toe! Snorb is allergic to pepper rings, and despises them. She has the habit of eating Big Toes and Cat Tails. I have to apply pepper rings to our cat Snickers tail whenever Snorb and Snickers are in the house together!!!"
Suddenly I am poked by one of their customers and told to move out of the way because I'm holding up the line. I move backwards carefully while still watching this spectacle. I decide to go into my apartment and suddenly a cat crossed my path... with a stub for a tail. I then decide to go to the apartment later, and instead I am off to the store to buy some pepper rings!!
